Script 1
When their message is an attack
Your co-parent sends a message that is critical, sarcastic or designed to provoke you.
Be respectful, factual and concise. Focus on your children instead of each other.
From the book · Chapter 10 – The Essential Ingredients for Shared Custody
“Thanks for letting me know. To confirm the practical part: pickup is Friday at 5pm at the usual place. I'll have her bag packed. If there's anything else about Friday, let me know here and I'll reply by tonight.”
Why it works: The book is blunt about this: communication about your children has nothing to do with why you split or who did what to whom. Answer the tone and the fight continues. Answer only the child-related facts and there is nothing left to argue with.
Avoid: Do not answer the accusation, defend yourself, or add "but you always...". Silence on the jab is the message.
Script 2
When you need to change the schedule
Work, illness or a family event means you need to move a handover or a weekend.
Don't focus on the exact hours and minutes each parent gets. Flexibility is one of the three essential factors in any shared care arrangement.
From the book · Chapters 7 and 10 – Joint Custody, The Essential Ingredients
“I have a conflict on Saturday the 14th. Could we swap so you have the kids that weekend and I take the 21st instead? If that doesn't work, I'm happy with any alternative that suits you. Let me know what works and I'll lock it in.”
Why it works: Tracey and Dave's own arrangement worked because they refused to count minutes: if you didn't fight over who spent more time with your child while married, why start after divorcing? Requests land better than announcements, and offering a swap shows you're protecting their time, not taking it.
Avoid: Do not say "I need you to take them" or explain your whole life. One sentence of reason, one clear ask, one flexible option.
Script 3
When your child repeats something hurtful about you
Your child says "Dad said you're the reason we don't have money" or similar.
Children should never be asked to take sides, comment on their other parent's behaviour, or hear complaints about them. They are not emotionally equipped to handle adult problems.
From the book · Chapter 12 – Talking About Your Ex
“That sounds like a heavy thing to hear. Grown-up money and grown-up decisions are not yours to sort out. What I can tell you is that you are loved in both houses, and you're allowed to love both of us. If it comes up again, you can always tell me, and you can always tell Dad how it made you feel.”
Why it works: Your child loves their other parent wholeheartedly. Negative words about someone they love wound them more than anyone else. Defending yourself puts them in the middle; steadying them takes them out of it and removes any guilt about loving both of you.
Avoid: Do not correct the story, ask what else was said, or send them back with a message. Never make them the messenger.
Script 4
When communication has to be kept at arm's length
Late-night texts, drop-ins, or contact that's volatile enough that live conversation keeps ending badly.
Where conflict is high and communication is volatile, parallel parenting is the safer alternative: both parents stay involved in decisions, but communication runs through one written channel.
From the book · Chapter 8 – What If My Ex Won't Co-parent?
“I want us to keep communication working, so I'm going to keep it to the kids and to one channel – this app, in writing. I'll check messages twice a day, at 8am and 7pm, and reply within 24 hours. If something is urgent or medical, call me and I'll always pick up.”
Why it works: Parallel parenting isn't giving up on co-parenting; the book notes many couples move back towards cooperative co-parenting over time. A boundary is about what you will do, not what they must do, which is why it holds without needing their agreement.
Avoid: Do not justify the boundary, apologise for it, or threaten consequences. State it once, then simply live it.
Script 5
When you're introducing a new partner or step-parent
Someone new is becoming part of your children's lives.
Who your child spends time with other than parents – step-parents, grandparents, new partners – belongs in your parenting plan, agreed in advance rather than argued about later.
From the book · Chapter 9 – Formulating a Parenting Plan
“I want you to hear this from me first. I've been seeing someone for a while and the kids will meet her briefly next month. She won't be parenting them or making decisions about them – that stays between you and me. I'd like to add how we handle new partners to our parenting plan so neither of us is guessing next time.”
Why it works: The book's whole case for a parenting plan is that if you don't agree guidelines up front, you fight all over again every time a situation arises. Telling them early, factually, and without asking approval keeps your children out of the reaction.
Avoid: Do not ask for permission, compare them to the new partner, or debrief the meeting through your children.
Want the full framework?
These five scripts are a taste of Week 3 of the Child-centred Co-parenting Course – "Communication that works" – where you'll practice them with Message Makeovers until calm, brief replies are second nature. The book expands them into a complete plan for handovers, holidays, boundaries and consistency across both homes.
